What Does “Overprotective” Really Mean?

This week I had a conversation about someone’s “overprotective parent.” At age 11 when she wanted to go to camp, her mother reinforced her fears instead of reassure her that all would work out. My friend never left home in the summers and missed out on the growth that comes when we are away from home and able to count on ourselves to get us through situations.

Knowing that my friend has struggled for years with self-confidence and feelings of independence, I said “I wouldn’t call that overprotection.” Seemingly shocked to hear my words, she asked me to say more. “Well when you consider the term overprotective you have to define what it means to be protective. Protective is helping a child go forward even though they may feel scared. You mom gave in to your fears, she joined with you in that fear and thwarted an important opportunity for you to gain more courage and develop the skills for resilience.”

Watching my friend’s face open wide, I realized that my example made sense to her. Overprotection, can at times be a misnomer. To limit someone from doing something may or may not be protective. There are times, like in my friend’s situation, when it may be fear driven and motivated by what’s least challenging on the emotional level. Think about situations in your life that you have considered to be overprotective. To what extent were those times an indulgence in fear? When you look back, what do you imagine might have been different for you had your parent not responded in an “overprotective” manner?

Power Dynamics Within the Family

I keep shaking my head. How can the same people who helped create this economic mess do nothing but criticize those who are trying to resolve the problem. While none of the experts know if this stimulus package will succeed, they all agree (democrat and republican alike) that we must act now or we are guaranteed of a disaster. Even then, there is more willingness to block progress than see what gains might be made.

I am reminded of how these power dynamics are much like those that go on in our families. In healthy systems there is a flow of communication, with differences of opinion being allowed. There is no tolerance for greed, because fairness appeals to the senses. In more dysfunctional family systems though, obstructing progress is commonplace. When winning and having things “my way” is a premium, family members suffer. Just like our current government situation, we can’t always affect the change that’s needed, but we sure can see what the problems are and not pretend that they are something else.

Look carefully at your relationships to notice who supports you to succeed and who blocks your efforts. Then, make some decisions to do something about that, not by changing the other people, but by changing how important you allow people to be in your life.

We are living in an era when Body-image and identity are more interwoven than ever before. Young girls call themselves fat without having any clue as to what fat means. They hear the word and somehow know that it isn’t good and that they don’t want to be it. They scrutinize themselves in the mirror criticizing their natural features that in previous years would have been both acceptable and beautiful.

Increasingly, boys are coming under the influence of a thin and fit obsessed culture, manifesting in a significant increase in male eating disorders. As has been well described by Darryl Roberts in his recent documentary, America the Beautiful, males are being taught to be dissatisfied with real girls and real adult women & are taught to want someone sexier, thinner…you name it – someone better and different from the real person they are, actually, in relationship with.

We are all affected by the media’s mass marketing campaigns to purposefully promote feelings of insecurity and self-hate, encouraging us to turn our bodies into civil war zones in order to boost economic profits. No one is immune to the ever-changing cultural beauty standards and the pressures that accompany them. Rather than a path to greater self-esteem, what we are really being sold is a sense of inadequacy and defeat. We can never achieve these manipulated looks, yet it is suggested that we can, & we buy in to it.

Despite the facts, (that 5 % of people actually maintain weight loss from diet programs rather than healthy eating patterns) many of us fall under their spell and argue in favor of dieting – saying that it is healthy and good, even something to be admired and rewarded, a virtue worth pursuing. In this winter season when we are inundated with diet ads, be cautious and skeptical.