http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-shure/womens-world-cup-2011_b_897904.html

Once a soccer mom, always a soccer mom! How else do I explain organizing my lunchtime in front of ESPN, beaming in smile as the US Women’s World Cup team beats France to win a chance for the championship trophy in the finals?

The years of cheering and schlepping as my youngest daughter (now a college grad) played travel and varsity soccer has indelibly marked a soft spot in my heart for “the beautiful game.” I remember the day, twelve years ago, when Brandi Chastain impulsively lifted her shirt, exposing her sports bra for the world to see, as a sign of her joy and strength.. She, along with her teammates, had just won the World Cup in a penalty kick shootout. While shocked at how she broke female traditions, I was elated at her bravery to be herself and match her male counterparts on the field.

This week, asked by a sports broadcaster how the team was able to hold in the games to the very end, Abby Wambach, the team’s leading scorer, replied with one word: “resilience.”  “We are resilient,” she said, “we don’t give up.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. I thought back to the thrilling memories of indoor soccer championships and to the heartbreak of the much coveted outdoor championships never to be had. I instantly saw images of girls faces, growing through middle school and high school years, the team work involved to build cohesive teams and the tremendous commitment on the part of  parents and coaches.

Then comes the commercial - women in soccer uniforms and the announcer’s voice: “What if there were no Mia, no Brandi, no legends to live up to. What if there was no pressure?” A pause…The announcer’s voice continues, “then we wouldn’t have a chance.”

“Yes,” I scream out to the television. No one’s around, just me. Me and my deep appreciation for how great it is to work hard, to work together and to use “pressure” in a way that’s empowering.

“Yes,” I echo “then we wouldn’t have a chance.”

For more, click on http://resilientleadership.org/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-shure/natalie-portmans-black-sw_b_807152.html

In the film Black Swan, Natalie Portman gives a stunning portrayal of an emerging female battling the developmental forces of innocence and rebellion. Portman’s character, a ballerina in the New York City Ballet, demonstrates not just the pressures to be a ballerina, but how the pulls to act restrictive and indulgent permeate self development, especially during the tender years of young adulthood.

At its heart, Black Swan is a psychological story about a daughter imprisoned by the defense mechanisms used to cope with her mother’s narcissism. Faced with a mother who invaded her personal space and dominated her emotional life, Portman’s character, Nina, turns to “being the best,” as a means of surviving. In Nina’s case “the best” is symbolized by her star role in the ballet.

Having grown up with a mother who never allowed her the safety of speaking her mind, Nina demonstrates what happens when one is robbed of a sense of self-worth. She, like others who feel the need to defer to their mother’s (or father’s) dictates, adapted to a core belief suggesting “what I feel or think doesn’t matter; what’s important is what will please my mother.” In seeking out ways to give one’s parent what they emotionally demand, a daughter (it could also be the same for a son) acts instinctively to calm her mother down and reduce the level of conflict, thus alleviating her own anxiety. Over time, angst and worry grow, as does a pervasive sense that “I’ll never be good-enough.”

Seeking perfectionism is a common path for daughters in these complicated family situations. In the short-term, adoration from others may, in fact, offer relief from the emptiness felt within. It may also allow for a sense of living as though “all is fine,” when in fact it isn’t. But much as Black Swan shows, perfectionism as a route to the promised land, doesn’t work for the long-term. Eventually it leads to a darkness and recklessness within, that may threaten to destroy relationships, the body and, ultimately, one’s life.

As we begin this new year, let’s take a lesson from this psychological thriller. Become mindful of those ways that perfectionism flirts with you and say no to its seductive nature. Recognize how you adapted to childhood circumstances and support your courage for learning new ways to cope. Be aware of and challenge the cultural messages that harm you in order to embrace the ones that heal and sustain.

For more, click on http://janeshure.com/blog

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-shure/yet-again-the-media-sells_b_424201.html

In the past week, the fashion industry and its promoter, women’s magazines, have yet again sold girls and women down the river. First, Marie Claire’s Austrlian division took the spotlight with its February cover that refrains from using photo shopping with its nude photo of former Miss Universe 2004, model Jennifer Hawkins. Then the New York Times reported “The Triumph of the Size 12s,” a story about “plus size model” Crystal Renn. There is something very wrong when exposing the real curves of a beautiful woman in the nude is deemed a radical move (because she is presented with her real body, not a fake one) and when a knock out gorgeous woman, with a terrific figure is touted to be a “plus-model,” suggesting that she is still too large to be deemed “normal” bodied.

The thin, athletic, sexy ideals of beauty have become the “new normal” and that’s frightening for our kids and all who are coming of age - not to mention the parents who are raising them. I hear the refrain of “I’d feel less guilty about eating food when I eat fewer calories” way too frequently. What do we do with the reality that just 15 years ago 35% of high school students thought they were overweight while today 90% think they are overweight. Do we sit around and suck it up, accept that this is the best we can hope for from our modern culture. Not this mother’s daughter; not this mother of two grown daughters.

We deserve to be really angry about the current state of affairs that has a fashion culture and media industry feeding us ideals that cause us to feel guilty for our hungers, obsessed with our appearance, and hating the very bodies that we need to sustain us. In leading ParentTalk workshops for A Chance to Heal Foundation, I hear fathers and mothers expressing fear for their children and confused about how to help them. They, too, are influenced by the perfectionistic, lookist American culture and are scared for their children if they don’t measure up to the current body-ideal standards.

Trouble is lurking around the bend when the norm requires girls and women to choose the lower calorie option over the food source that will satisfy their hunger and sustain their energy and mood. As my client this week so aptly stated “When I eat the lower caloric food, I end up getting hungry and then feel guilty for feeling hungry.” She is left criticizing herself for having the very thing that she is trying to get rid of - her appetite. One way or another she is faced with guilt – either for having hunger or for depriving herself of that hunger. “I don’t deserve the food because I’m not at my lower weight.” With the goal of having a body size that is smaller than what is natural and healthy for one’s body, deprivation is required. But we don’t have deprivation without the inevitable backlash in the form of compulsion, often culminating into a binge.

The cycle goes on in variations on the same theme for many. Angry that they “can’t” eat the food they are hungry for (food that would satiate their hunger and nutritionally anchor them) and angry that they aren’t able to maintain a lower weight because it’s an unrealistic weight to support their body. It is the rare teen or women’s magazine that includes articles on eating to maintain a healthy weight for each person. Instead we are inundated with articles on tricks of the trade for losing weight, selling the concept of losing as a virtue for which to aspire.

Dieting is no virtue, it’s a ruse. The diet industry is greedy and much like other industries, wants to make money at our expense. Diet programs hook us on the idea that we are more likable if we are losing weight and less likable if we do not strive for a body weight that is “lower.” How else would they become a multibillion dollar industry if they didn’t convince us to hate the way we look and drive home the idea that we would feel so much better if we looked some other way…any way, just not the way we look without dieting.

We deserve better. As my client tells it, the battle is “never ending,” because whenever she reaches her goal, “it’s never good enough and there is none of the promised relief.” For others there is immediate relief that is followed by deep grief and disappointment when they inevitably gain most of their weight back.

My client and others wish that the voice within would go away and shut up, once and for all. I remind her that won’t happen. Hoping and thinking it could actually happen will only make the drive to lose that much greater. Instead I suggest to you, as I did to her, to take on the voice within and talk back to it. Talk back, disagree, argue, recognize the lies, dismiss the idea of the perfect body as ridiculous and damaging. Treat the fashion designers and the media like drug dealers, don’t just accept what they’re pushing, resist it and fight back.